God's Words as Lawn Ornaments

From Virginia, God's words are popping up like the proverbial pink flamingoes of lawn ornaments. Seems the Ten Commandments can be purchased by churches and individuals alike to remind townsfolk of lost morality.

Mark Cline, a Southwest Virginia resident, started a business creating signs of the stone tablets that can sit on your lawn to remind the immoral youth of today about God.

"Some people look at the Ten Commandments as promoting religion, but I look at it as a good moral message that needs to be out there. Pardon the pun, but God knows, we need it today.''

Even God had to smile at that one. Cline is the former designer of Enchanted Castle in Natural Bridge, Virginia, which burned in a "suspicious fire" in 2001. People from all over the state are buying signs, and some are even shipping them to friends in other states. Ronnie Hollins, from Blacksburg, Virgininia, sees this as a virtuous throw back.

"When I was a kid in the elementary school, we quoted the Lord's Prayer," every morning at the former Bethel Elementary School near Radford. "The more we take God out of school, the worse school gets."

Cline, who considers himself nondenominational, seems more interested in the aspect of getting back into lawn decorating, making it clear that the religious tracts he received and threats of suffering at the hands of God when Enchanted Castle burned had nothing to do with this new theme of work.

"Everybody is free to believe what they want to believe. I don't believe there are any true atheists,'' he said. "People need to believe in something -- God, the Ten Commandments, Buddha, Santa Claus or fairy tales."

God in Sports, He Wishes

UK football made a somewhat religious trade today when Manchester City agreed to sell Robbie Fowler back to Liverpool. Fowler, called "God" by many of the local fans, feels that he is returning to his "spiritual home." Fowler is also referred to as "the prodigal son." God's pretty sure there is a difference between the two.

The team figures they will make plenty of money selling Fowler t-shirts with this "Fairy-tale transfer of the season." A top-notch striker, Fowler is ecstatic to be back with his home team and stated the he was fine taking a pay cut to get back there.

There are no regrets now for Fowler, just joy that he finally has the chance to prove he is the best Liverpool striker in a generation, and justify his nickname of "God."

God's only regret is that he didn't take up football during his studies at Oxford.

Pa. Man Forges God's Name in Vain

A Reading, Pa. man claims he is God, or at least that he has the right to sign his name as "God."
The Republican bail enforcer proprietor signed his election registration form with "God" instead of his Christian name, Paul S. Sewell. He compares signing "God" to signing with an "X" and cites his job as proof that he qualifies for this signature.

"Whenever I go to arrest somebody, they say, 'Oh, God, give me another chance. Oh, God, let me go. I'll turn myself in tomorrow,'" Sewell said.

Sewell may not be able to vote in upcoming elections, but he has scored with valid ID as "God."

"PennDOT accepted it on my driver's license. I have a credit card with it," he said. "It shouldn't be a problem."

God is rather miffed himself, as he was never issued that American Express Platinum card that he applied for three years ago.

God Crosses the Border

God packed an overnight bag and headed to his northern neighbor last Monday night to see if he could spread himself, albeit thinly, across the Great White North. New Conservative Party Leader Stephen Harper ended his acceptance speech with, "God bless Canada," leaving God in thoughtful contemplation over the request.

Reaction to Harper's close, which he is known to use in all of his speeches, brought into question the lack of mentioning Christ or participating in prayer under the government's eye.

The use of that phrase indicates a significant departure from the policies of the Liberal government, which has ruthlessly expunged any mention of God from the public sphere during the 12 years they have been in power.

God feels that there is much work to be done in Canada and is proud to have been invited into yet another country's political realm.

Gravity From Above

God has been busy reconsidering the principles of gravity lately, as Salt Lake City resident Jason Kane enforces God's role in scientific development.

Obviously everything originates with divine creation, thus the natural attraction of everything to the surface of the Earth. There is nowhere near consensus in the scientific community on the issue. The best they've come up with is that the Earth is spinning so fast (doesn't seem that fast from where I'm standing) we somehow get pulled toward the ground. The debate on taking God out of gravity is far from over.

After consulting Einstein's theory of relativity and Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, God would like Mr. Kane to move just a little more left of center.

God Sends Out Traveling Hate Band, Again

Media Credit: Travis Heying/Wichita Eagle

A member of Topeka Kansas's Westboro Baptist Church
is shown protesting at the funeral of a fallen soldier on July 25, 2005.

As if last summer's protest at a soldier's funeral in Kansas didn't quite get the message across, God is sending out the Phelps family to Maryland to start cleaning up the East Coast.

The Westboro Baptist Church members bring their warmth and love to Loyola College, Baltimore, proving once again that God, an all-loving, all-caring image, does hate some people. Fred "The Tsunami Was A Good Thing" Phelps' followers will protest The Laramie Project, the play which is based on the town's wide range of reactions after the Matthew Shepard murder in 1998.

Baltimore City police, handling approximately 269 murders last year, are flipping coins to get the assignment of guarding the campus. Tim Fox, Loyola's director of Public Safety, thinks the cops are in for a let down.

"Everything we've been told about these people is
that they're very peaceable other than the fact that
they're knuckleheads in their beliefs."

In case you miss the Loyola College rally, God has scheduled additional weekend appearances for Westboro, conveniently finding three other churches he hates in Charm City.