One Devil Is Never Enough

It was enough to bring God out of seclusion. Hugo Chavez's claim that George Bush is "el diablo" forced God to give up the next few months of time share in Palm Beach so that he can straighten out this issue of "devil, not a devil". (God had previously been using up his extended share in Hilton Head, fulfilling the adage waste not, want not.)

God realized that there was quite a list of others who would fit this "el diablo" definition, and decided to form a list--naughty and naughtier--to possibly smolder Chavez's anger.

Coulter, often confused for the devil's wife, could easily step into those hot shoes herself with her biting commentary and near-tear ending of interviews (sometimes her tears). Once a card, always a card, as Internet Weekly shows with the GOP playing cards that have yet to see print but look quite amusing online. (God favors the fiery background of Robert Novak, himself.) God hasn't seen a hotter temptress since he did time in San Juan for dope smuggling.





God wants to make it very clear that there is a difference between vampires and devils. One sucks blood and lives off of human nutrients. The other takes the soul of those in need and damns them to eternal hell on earth. Unfortunately, this picture does little to clarify that difference.










This is a no brainer. God only wishes that Chavez could have mentioned the misses when he spoke of sulfur still smelling at the podium.





The man to the left left little for those he screwed over in the Enron case. God knows he's dead but just felt compelled to include him.





Off the top of his head, these are the ones God felt would be included on any el Diablo list. God wants to remind Chavez, one devil is never enough.

God Incognito

For the past few weeks, God has been inside Liverpool's football great Robbie Fowler and he can't get out. God thought it would be a short-term stint helping Fowler out on the field when the star returned to Liverpool amidst much celebration (God in Sports, He Wishes), but when Fowler scored his 173rd goal, putting him the fifth highest scorer in the club's history, God realized he just might be M.I.A. for quite some time. Talks of a contract extension for Fowler are not firmed up yet, leaving God unsure about his spring world tour of aid to all.

"Nothing has been said or decided yet, so I just have to wait for the manager and I’ll just try to keep playing my football,” Fowler said. “Since I’ve been back, I haven’t scored as many goals as I would have liked but I’ve been relatively pleased and happy with the performances. It’s not up to me to say who the manager should sign."

Always the athlete, God is just plain tuckered out from the strenuous schedule and travel. He would like to return to the role of wacky fan and patron of sports.

Strip for the Message of God

Yes, even God supports this method of spreading his word. Former Vegas stripper Heather Veitch, from Riverside, California, sees her beauty and charm as a bonus for letting others know about God's wise ways. She started a website, J.C.'s Girls Girls Girls, to show present strippers that she knows where they are coming from and where they can go, if they so desire. The site addresses women in the business and the men who support them, offering testimonials of the converted and a DVD that teases "See us in ACTION".

However, with guide books like the above, Veitch and company shall be busy. Their plan? They come baring gifts. The J.C. Girls ministry visits dens of inequity to hand out T-shirts stamped with the ancient proverb "Holy Hottie" wrapped around Bibles. Veitch will even pay for lap dances to talk to women face-to-face to assure them that everyone is welcome at the house of worship, noting that

. . . strippers and porn stars don't have to quit their jobs before entering a church. She said, "Do we ask gluttons to stop eating too much before they come to church?"

Definitely not, says God. Because he knows that he and others always enjoy a good meal before service.

God and the Mind

God has been resting. He trekked to Pennsylvania for Groundhog's Day and prepped for weeks for an interesting Valentine's Day with Angelina Jolie. He tried to lay low for the early part of February in the way much of the country does. But he had to stick his head out of his hole for this story from McKinney, Texas about a pastor who claims that only God can cure a very sick woman of her mental illness.

In response to the woman cutting off her baby's arms, Pastor Doyle Davidson offered his treatment during court testimony.

"I do not believe that any mental illness exists other than demons, and no medication can straighten it out, other than the power of God."

God has left criminal justice and medicine to man. He's quite disappointed man has screwed up both of them.

Did You Get the Memo?

Someone screwed up. God knows he prepared a memo for the Westboro Baptist Church (GodHatesAmerica.com) about the rally in Baltimore last weekend against The Laramie Project, but he thinks that no one copied it to hand out. Not a soul from Fred Phelps' entourage showed, and those who gathered at Loyola College to counter-protest were left out in the cold. Phelps's caravan was also scheduled to visit Annapolis and a few other churches in Baltimore to tell them just how much God hates them (see "God Sends out Traveling Hate Band, Again" 1/24/06 posting). Fearing that Phelps has watched Office Space too many times and has taken the direction of the Westboro organization into his own hands, God says this is the last time he delegates small details for large projects. He will do his own printing and distribution for future hate rallies.

God's Words as Lawn Ornaments

From Virginia, God's words are popping up like the proverbial pink flamingoes of lawn ornaments. Seems the Ten Commandments can be purchased by churches and individuals alike to remind townsfolk of lost morality.

Mark Cline, a Southwest Virginia resident, started a business creating signs of the stone tablets that can sit on your lawn to remind the immoral youth of today about God.

"Some people look at the Ten Commandments as promoting religion, but I look at it as a good moral message that needs to be out there. Pardon the pun, but God knows, we need it today.''

Even God had to smile at that one. Cline is the former designer of Enchanted Castle in Natural Bridge, Virginia, which burned in a "suspicious fire" in 2001. People from all over the state are buying signs, and some are even shipping them to friends in other states. Ronnie Hollins, from Blacksburg, Virgininia, sees this as a virtuous throw back.

"When I was a kid in the elementary school, we quoted the Lord's Prayer," every morning at the former Bethel Elementary School near Radford. "The more we take God out of school, the worse school gets."

Cline, who considers himself nondenominational, seems more interested in the aspect of getting back into lawn decorating, making it clear that the religious tracts he received and threats of suffering at the hands of God when Enchanted Castle burned had nothing to do with this new theme of work.

"Everybody is free to believe what they want to believe. I don't believe there are any true atheists,'' he said. "People need to believe in something -- God, the Ten Commandments, Buddha, Santa Claus or fairy tales."

God in Sports, He Wishes

UK football made a somewhat religious trade today when Manchester City agreed to sell Robbie Fowler back to Liverpool. Fowler, called "God" by many of the local fans, feels that he is returning to his "spiritual home." Fowler is also referred to as "the prodigal son." God's pretty sure there is a difference between the two.

The team figures they will make plenty of money selling Fowler t-shirts with this "Fairy-tale transfer of the season." A top-notch striker, Fowler is ecstatic to be back with his home team and stated the he was fine taking a pay cut to get back there.

There are no regrets now for Fowler, just joy that he finally has the chance to prove he is the best Liverpool striker in a generation, and justify his nickname of "God."

God's only regret is that he didn't take up football during his studies at Oxford.